Are you EVER in a bad mood?

As the old saying goes, if I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that question...

The answer is yes. Yes, although I have been tremendously blessed (and I honestly don't know why) I do wake up almost every single day feeling genuinely happy. Several years ago someone pointed out how lucky I am that I was born with an unusually sunny disposition, that not everyone is so fortunate - on that very day I put this good fortune at the top of my gratitude list in capital letters. I am infinitely grateful for this gift and I thank God, nature, nurture, genes, survival, or whatever/whoever/however this miracle was bestowed upon me!

But again, yes, I do have bad days. Days when disappointment, fear, and sadness are challenging to overcome. Days when my best efforts can't budge the ominous dark clouds out of my heart's sky. The reason most people never see these days is because I tend to retreat a bit, and when I can't, most times I can still manage to pull myself up from the ol' boot straps and at least put on a smile.  During this time of retreat is when all of you go into high gear to pull me through, whether you know it or not!

I've been struggling to update this blog without success for a few weeks now. Thankfully, in the last 2 days I have managed to respond to a few emails & messages, and one wonderfully uplifting phone call with my cousin Nancy - I am going to try to puzzle piece and cut & paste a few here in the hopes of creating an update that might also provide informative and comforting resources for others...

Last I posted was the night before my 1st appointment with the radiation oncologist @ Kaiser in L.A. I expected to have steps put in place for the treatment my GYN Oncologist thought they would recommend, which was 2-3 treatments per week for 2-4 weeks. Instead, I was told that although my surgery completely removed the tumor and that there was no indication of metastasis, due to the aggressive nature of my cancer and the evidence in the blood space that it could settle elsewhere in the body, I would have treatment 5 times a week for 5 weeks. I don't know why this affected me so profoundly. It could be that my hormone stores had finally been depleted and the affects of surgical menopause kicked in... I knew I'd be having treatments, I knew I'd be eating up the better part of these days traveling to and from the Kaiser medical facility in L.A. or Ontario for these treatments, so why was learning there would be more treatments than original anticipated so difficult?  In hindsight, I think it was two-fold at least. First, up until then my cancer had only been referred to as "less common", I think the term "aggressive" scared the pants off me. And then, well then...

Below is a cut & paste from a message I just sent to my friend Shannon this morning...

"Because of the type of cancer, I had to have a radical hysterectomy which took out the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries including the surrounding lymph nodes and ligaments. My surgery was through the abdomen and robot assisted, 5 robot arms went in through 5 different incisions spread through in my abdomen in a pyramid pattern so I was pretty bruised and sore all over - I came home the same day too but I had a catheter for 4 days after (that catheter sucked big time!). I'm 8 weeks post surgery today and although I'm still not supposed to lift anything over 5lbs, I feel pretty good. What is challenging now are the intense symptoms of surgical menopause (in my case, intense sweaty hot flashes which lead to insomnia and ridiculous crying at the drop of a hat) combined with the side affects of radiation treatment (fatigue, diarrhea and constantly needing to pee). I am so looking forward to being on the other side of this!"

Now here is when all of you come to my rescue - and again, whether you know it or not - you are all working together, each one of you are connected to all of us and the result is nothing short of miraculous! There are so very many little incidents to point to but since we don't have all day, here are just a few to start...

MY ANGELS - Part One:

Just when the financial affects were becoming overwhelming, I got a call from work. It was Kristy who is not only a lovely human being and exceptional HR professional, she was my angel in that moment. She asked how I was I feeling and I began to reply with what had become a fairly rote response. To my surprise, this lead into a cleansing and honest description of how I was really feeling at the moment. Kristy listened and made me laugh and then told me why she was calling. We had bonus checks! I wasn't expecting a bonus so this was huge. My bonus check was enough to cover my health insurance premiums due for February and March, I almost cried right then and there! Coincidence? Maybe. Miracle? I say most definitely!

Whirling throughout all of this has been heartbreak for so many of my friends and family that have been undergoing challenges too. Feeling I had no business feeling sorry for myself just made me feel worse, so I latched onto all the good things I could find, all the stories of strength I'd been hearing (my friend Hollye's essay "What Doesn't Kill You" is a must read example of hope in the face of tragedy), I meditated and prayed, researched, attempted, tried to stay in the moment, and read and re-read...

Here is my reply in response to Hollye's latest book suggestion, "Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow" by Elizabeth Lesser;

"I am stopping at the book store today to pick up a copy! You know, I have been trying to write another blog post but can't seem to finish it, in it I wrote about another book you recommended to me in a time challenge, "There Is A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem" by Wayne Dyer. I also just finished re-reading "Marrying George Clooney" which I learned about through you too. I love you and can't thank you enough for the honesty and love you radiate and which I get to benefit from. Happy days ahead, I hope we get to spend some happy time together face to face this year - I want to hug you and laugh with you in person! xoxoxo, Pam"

And this is what I wrote today in a comment to Amy Ferris' about her book, "Marrying George Clooney: Confessions From A Midlife Crisis"

"Loved it the first time I read it! I laughed and cried and wanted to hug you & your mom over & over again! Now that I've been officially thrown into surgical menopause and my dad's doctor has put him on comfort care (he has been suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia and went into a nursing home a little over a year ago) I decided to read it again and just finished re-reading it yesterday, loved it all over again and caught several nuances that I had missed the first time around. I passed it along to another woman I'm riding the shuttle with to radiation treatments who I know will get a lot out of it too. And now that it's out there, I'm hoping my copy will make the rounds to many, many women - thank you for writing this wonderful book Amy, I am so grateful!"

There is so much more, so very much more... wisdom, comfort, knowledge, paths illuminated... love to be shared, strength to nurture... but I've run out of time today, I'm off to Irvine to catch the Radiation shuttle to Ontario for treatment number 10....

To be continued in MY ANGELS - Part Two!

Embracing the Excellence...

Thank you all, each and every one of you, for making me laugh and sharing your love, I love you all immeasurably! Extra special gratitude goes to Jillian, Erik & Riley, just looking at this old photo of you three makes my whole day (which is why I posted it right here for everyone to see too)!!

And yes, I am still riding on the high that my prognosis is EXCELLENT!

As you may or may not have seen before, "I Promise Myself" by Christian D. Larson is posted as a note on my Facebook profile and I share it periodically as I feel inspired to do so. I truly believe that we can create our own happiness regardless of our circumstances but I also know from painful experience that it can be very easy to get lost along the way. In knowing this, I actively seek inspiration and am drawn to those who share this mindset - whether through religion, a connection to God, a higher power, nature, or the universe, an inner peace, I could go on & on - whatever it is that drives us along this path, I believe we grow by sharing with each other, by nurturing positive influences and diluting the negative so they become powerless to affect our happiness! To me, it appears that all negativity stems from anger or fear. It has been said that the experience of anger and fear is simply the absence of love, and since love is the ultimate connection that we all share, it is never really absent but sometimes we can perceive this to be so and that is when it is particularly difficult to nurture the positive. "I Promise Myself" is one of my favorite tools to nurture the positive and stave off the negative influences should they show up at my door...

I Promise Myself...
To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the successes of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry; too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

So with this spirit in mind, here is the latest...

I feel pretty darned good! The allergic reaction I had from the microgestin that Dr. Moore prescribed before I was diagnosed is almost completely gone now and my 5 incisions from surgery are looking good with only a little bruising left. Jillian said the incision above my belly button makes me look like an alien with TWO belly buttons, and I have to agree! I kind of like it too... I am definitely tiring out much more easily than ever before but that is easily resolved with a quick power nap (I'd forgotten how much I love naps!). Still hurts to laugh but now only if it is a throw your head back deep belly laugh, so bring on the jokes but warn me if you think I might spit coffee out my nose! ;^) I have to say though, it has been difficult to think or write about this when so many others are facing much bigger challenges than mine, I honestly feel as though I got off incredibly easy while others haven't been as fortunate. My apologies for not writing more sooner...

Tomorrow I drive to Kaiser's Los Angeles Medical Center in East Hollywood for the first of 3 appointments to prepare for chemo radiation treatment. This first appointment is a consult with the radiation oncologist - as it has been explained to me, a team will meet to go over my case tomorrow morning before I arrive for my exam at 2:30 followed by the consult. At the 2nd appointment, which is called a planning or simulation session and has not yet been scheduled but is known to be the longest of the appointments, they will target & mark areas for treatment and present my treatment plan frequency & duration. Then, the 3rd appointment is the "port film check" (more x-rays, review, etc, if all is satisfactory they will schedule my first treatment). In addition, I have an appointment on the 16th with my gynecology oncologists as they have to sign off that I have adequately healed from my surgery before I can start - so it is my guess that my first treatment will be sometime after the 16th.

Many have asked what my symptoms were, they were typical pre or peri menopause symptoms without the hot flashes and since I just turned 48 this appeared to be normal. I'll write more about this later but what gets me right now is that everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, I have read and heard that cervical cancer or, cancer of the uterine cervix, is detected through regular pap testing, I even heard Dr. Oz say this on his show last week and it is simply not true! I have always been proactive in this regard and I just had a normal pap this past June but the type of cancer I have, adenocarcinoma, was only found because I spoke up and Dr. Estrick listened! She ordered an internal ultrasound and referred me to the specialist, Dr. Moore. Dr. Moore, after reviewing the first and conducting a second ultrasound followed by a colposcopy & biopsies of my uterus & cervix, made the diagnosis and explained that the type of cancer I have is a much less common type that settles in the mucous glands and therefore could not be detected by a pap. So, I'll end with the powerful words Jeanelle shared with me that continue to echo... "It whispers, so listen..."

Prognosis: EXCELLENT!

I have never blogged before but since there are so many people I want to keep posted and not all of you are on FB, here goes... This has all happened so fast and I didn't have many answers prior to today so please accept my apologies for not sharing this information sooner, most of you are unaware so let me start by woo-hooing to the mountain tops that, as my gut has been telling me, I am fine and my prognosis is excellent! So, now that my mental celebratory back flips and yee-haws are under control, let me catch you up on the details! And again, please accept my apologies for not filling you all in sooner...

On January 4th I was diagnosed with "Cancer of the Uterine Cervix", as it is written on my charts more commonly known as cervical cancer, with adenocarcinoma the type of cancer identified. On January 14th I had a robot assisted radical hysterectomy at Kaiser in Downey, CA (I know, how cool and sci-fi is that?). And this morning, January 28th, I had an anxiously awaited follow-up appt with my oncologist to go over the pathology from my surgery which indicates my stage (1B), additional steps of treatment that are needed (combination radiation & chemo therapy), and my prognosis (excellent with little chance of recurrence).

If I understand everything correctly, there were 2 indicators used to determine the additional steps; 1) the type of cancer that I have, adenocarcinoma, is a less common type and I am gathering that it must be a little trickier to treat and 2) the histology showed that although the cancer had not spread there is evidence that it could travel in the bloodstream. So, I will see a radiologist @ Kaiser in L.A. sometime in the next week or so to put a game plan into place that will involve chemo to allow the radiation to work better but that will NOT cause major side effects or hair loss (a little thinning at the ends maybe but no loss). Most likely the treatments will be 3 days a week for 2-4 weeks @ Kaiser in Ontario. I have now been instructed to continue to rest to allow my body to heal from the surgery (still very swollen and a tad sore) and be strong and ready for the upcoming treatment which is predicted that I will sail right through due to how healthy, strong, and thin I am (yes, my doctors said "thin" more than once!). I am now going to quit kicking myself for carrying this extra 15-20lbs, I still plan to lose it through healthy diet and exercise as soon as the doctors give me the ok to do so, but for now I am not going to kick myself anymore! I am healthy and thin! :^)

There really is so much more to tell in how I even learned I had this cancer and the steps that lead to today but I'll save that for a later date as I am so relieved but also drained at the moment...

In the meanwhile, I'd like to express my overwhelming gratitude to my mom for urging me to see the doctor even though I kept insisting I was just experiencing perimenopause symptoms, Jeanelle Coffey for sharing her experience with ovarian cancer with me and echoed my mom's wisdom, our dear and terribly missed friend Tim Brown who brought Jeanelle & I together, Dr. Estrick who referred me to the specialist, Dr. Moore, and Dr. Moore who found and diagnosed the cancer and referred my to the oncologists, Dr. Tewari & Dr. Shah, and my dear friend and old room mate, Lisa Lindley, OBGYN, for calming my nerves and explaining everything to me, the Bruno, Jacobi, Umana, and Henry families for taking care of and entertaining Jillian in this time surrounding my surgery and all her friends and our extended family who have kept her busy with talent show planning, skypeing, etc. - she has had so much fun lately that this whole process was a breeze thanks to all of you! (I've included a few pics of Jillian with friends just for fun!) Thanks for all your love & well wishes, after this I'll be even stronger & better than ever! :^)