Are you EVER in a bad mood?

As the old saying goes, if I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that question...

The answer is yes. Yes, although I have been tremendously blessed (and I honestly don't know why) I do wake up almost every single day feeling genuinely happy. Several years ago someone pointed out how lucky I am that I was born with an unusually sunny disposition, that not everyone is so fortunate - on that very day I put this good fortune at the top of my gratitude list in capital letters. I am infinitely grateful for this gift and I thank God, nature, nurture, genes, survival, or whatever/whoever/however this miracle was bestowed upon me!

But again, yes, I do have bad days. Days when disappointment, fear, and sadness are challenging to overcome. Days when my best efforts can't budge the ominous dark clouds out of my heart's sky. The reason most people never see these days is because I tend to retreat a bit, and when I can't, most times I can still manage to pull myself up from the ol' boot straps and at least put on a smile.  During this time of retreat is when all of you go into high gear to pull me through, whether you know it or not!

I've been struggling to update this blog without success for a few weeks now. Thankfully, in the last 2 days I have managed to respond to a few emails & messages, and one wonderfully uplifting phone call with my cousin Nancy - I am going to try to puzzle piece and cut & paste a few here in the hopes of creating an update that might also provide informative and comforting resources for others...

Last I posted was the night before my 1st appointment with the radiation oncologist @ Kaiser in L.A. I expected to have steps put in place for the treatment my GYN Oncologist thought they would recommend, which was 2-3 treatments per week for 2-4 weeks. Instead, I was told that although my surgery completely removed the tumor and that there was no indication of metastasis, due to the aggressive nature of my cancer and the evidence in the blood space that it could settle elsewhere in the body, I would have treatment 5 times a week for 5 weeks. I don't know why this affected me so profoundly. It could be that my hormone stores had finally been depleted and the affects of surgical menopause kicked in... I knew I'd be having treatments, I knew I'd be eating up the better part of these days traveling to and from the Kaiser medical facility in L.A. or Ontario for these treatments, so why was learning there would be more treatments than original anticipated so difficult?  In hindsight, I think it was two-fold at least. First, up until then my cancer had only been referred to as "less common", I think the term "aggressive" scared the pants off me. And then, well then...

Below is a cut & paste from a message I just sent to my friend Shannon this morning...

"Because of the type of cancer, I had to have a radical hysterectomy which took out the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries including the surrounding lymph nodes and ligaments. My surgery was through the abdomen and robot assisted, 5 robot arms went in through 5 different incisions spread through in my abdomen in a pyramid pattern so I was pretty bruised and sore all over - I came home the same day too but I had a catheter for 4 days after (that catheter sucked big time!). I'm 8 weeks post surgery today and although I'm still not supposed to lift anything over 5lbs, I feel pretty good. What is challenging now are the intense symptoms of surgical menopause (in my case, intense sweaty hot flashes which lead to insomnia and ridiculous crying at the drop of a hat) combined with the side affects of radiation treatment (fatigue, diarrhea and constantly needing to pee). I am so looking forward to being on the other side of this!"

Now here is when all of you come to my rescue - and again, whether you know it or not - you are all working together, each one of you are connected to all of us and the result is nothing short of miraculous! There are so very many little incidents to point to but since we don't have all day, here are just a few to start...

MY ANGELS - Part One:

Just when the financial affects were becoming overwhelming, I got a call from work. It was Kristy who is not only a lovely human being and exceptional HR professional, she was my angel in that moment. She asked how I was I feeling and I began to reply with what had become a fairly rote response. To my surprise, this lead into a cleansing and honest description of how I was really feeling at the moment. Kristy listened and made me laugh and then told me why she was calling. We had bonus checks! I wasn't expecting a bonus so this was huge. My bonus check was enough to cover my health insurance premiums due for February and March, I almost cried right then and there! Coincidence? Maybe. Miracle? I say most definitely!

Whirling throughout all of this has been heartbreak for so many of my friends and family that have been undergoing challenges too. Feeling I had no business feeling sorry for myself just made me feel worse, so I latched onto all the good things I could find, all the stories of strength I'd been hearing (my friend Hollye's essay "What Doesn't Kill You" is a must read example of hope in the face of tragedy), I meditated and prayed, researched, attempted, tried to stay in the moment, and read and re-read...

Here is my reply in response to Hollye's latest book suggestion, "Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow" by Elizabeth Lesser;

"I am stopping at the book store today to pick up a copy! You know, I have been trying to write another blog post but can't seem to finish it, in it I wrote about another book you recommended to me in a time challenge, "There Is A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem" by Wayne Dyer. I also just finished re-reading "Marrying George Clooney" which I learned about through you too. I love you and can't thank you enough for the honesty and love you radiate and which I get to benefit from. Happy days ahead, I hope we get to spend some happy time together face to face this year - I want to hug you and laugh with you in person! xoxoxo, Pam"

And this is what I wrote today in a comment to Amy Ferris' about her book, "Marrying George Clooney: Confessions From A Midlife Crisis"

"Loved it the first time I read it! I laughed and cried and wanted to hug you & your mom over & over again! Now that I've been officially thrown into surgical menopause and my dad's doctor has put him on comfort care (he has been suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia and went into a nursing home a little over a year ago) I decided to read it again and just finished re-reading it yesterday, loved it all over again and caught several nuances that I had missed the first time around. I passed it along to another woman I'm riding the shuttle with to radiation treatments who I know will get a lot out of it too. And now that it's out there, I'm hoping my copy will make the rounds to many, many women - thank you for writing this wonderful book Amy, I am so grateful!"

There is so much more, so very much more... wisdom, comfort, knowledge, paths illuminated... love to be shared, strength to nurture... but I've run out of time today, I'm off to Irvine to catch the Radiation shuttle to Ontario for treatment number 10....

To be continued in MY ANGELS - Part Two!